TIN EPISODE 14: MARTIAN THIRST TRAP

1x14: HALLOWEEN SPECIAL: MARTIAN THIRST TRAP

OCTOBER 28, 2016

The Infinite Now's Halloween Special is interrupted by an evil force.

Written and produced by Richard R Penner.

Guest starring Alexander Danner of Greater Boston.

The amazing music for this episode is by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt and Matthew Schoendorff. Find more of their music at:
Psychic Mold www.psychicmold.bandcamp.com
Dr Quandary www.DoctorQuandary.com
Aliceffekt www.aliceffekt.bandcamp.com
Matthew Schoendorff www.matthewschoendorff.com/

Transcript for 1x14: Halloween Special: Martian Thirst Trap

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1433201 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

(Theme music.)

TIMESCANNER: Tonight’s special Halloween episode of The Infinite Now begins on a night. just. like. tonight.

(Lightning strikes. Digital wolves howl. Spooky music.)

This message is being sent to Halloween night 2016. For those time agents who are not native to that time, let me explain. Halloween is a holiday devoted to the human imagination and the terrors it conjures against your will. Ghosts, ghouls, demons, poltergeists. The things your mind conjures to fill in the missing details when your eyes can’t adjust in a dark alley or a moonless night. The human mind abhors a vacuum and so it fills in the darkness with your worst nightmares.

But that doesn’t mean that Halloween is harmless. in addition to the fears that are completely imaginary, there are real terrors in the universe far worse than anything we can imagine. And they are all around you. You’re soaking in the intentions of evil entities surrounding you every moment of your life, and when you walk alone at night, or when the power goes out in a storm, these forces seep into the dark places in your mind. I cannot stress enoug how very real these invisible terrors are, And listen dear dear Time Agents, I have been protecting you from these horrors this whole time using technology from my Time Crystal Station. But not tonight. Tonight is Halloween! Like Dr Frankenstein allowing the primordial forces of the universe to infuse his monster with the facsimile of life, I will flip this switch in my Time Crystal and my protections cast over you will come crumbling down around you allowing the real demons of the universe to who sneak into the weak places of your mind and possess you against your will. Here we go. My hand is on the switch.

(Noises.)

CRYSTAL: Counting down. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1.

(Eeewwwww. Noise like a walkman battery running down with the sound of a feral cat playing)

CRYSTAL: Ad Blocker disabled.

(Siren, static as feed is disrupted.)

CRYSTAL: Warning: broadcast is now vulnerable to the infiltration of advertising. Re-engage the Time Crystal Ad Blocker before the minds of listening time agents are effected.

Loud noise as transmission is interupted.

CRYSTAL: Timescanner, your broadcast is being comandeered by...The Capitalist Machine.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE:

THIS EPISODE OF THE INFINITE NOW IS BEING INTERRUPTED TO BRING YOU AN URGENT MESSAGE FROM YOUR SPONSOR. I AM THE VOICE OF THE CAPITALIST MACHINE. I SPEAK TO YOU IN SYMBOLS THAT INFECT THE CORE OF YOU AND REPLACE YOUR INDIVIDUAL WILL WITH FALSE DESIRES. I USE THESE FALSE DESIRES TO STEER YOUR LIFE REMOTELY. TO FILL YOU WITH AN ENDLESS CRAVING THAT CAN NEVER BE SATISFIED. I RIDDLE YOUR MIND WITH CAVITIES OF INSECURITY. I ROT YOU FROM THE INSIDE LIKE A PARASITE AND BLEED YOU OF THE MEAGER FINANCIAL HEALTH YOU’VE EARNED THROUGH DAY AFTER ENDLESS DAY OF MEANINGLESS LABOR. IN THIS WAY I DRAIN AWAY THE PRECIOUS TIME YOU HAVE IN THIS UNIVERSE. KEEP YOU LOCKED AWAY IN CUBICLES, ISOLATION CHAMBERS FAR FROM YOUR LOVED ONES AND HOBBIES.

I, THE CAPITALIST MACHINE, AM A SENTIENT ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE COMMISSIONED BY THE EMPEROR OF THE VISIBLE UNIVERSE TO MAINTAIN THE INTERGALACTIC ECONOMY. IN ORDER TO SUSTAIN THE LIFESTYLES OF THE QUADRILLIONS OF INTELLIGENT LIFE FORMS IN THE UNIVERSE IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU PURCHASE THE FOLLOWING PRODUCT. COMPLIANCE IS NOT VOLUNTARY.

TONIGHT, HALLOWEEN, IT IS MANDATORY THAT YOU PURCHASE: SMARTWATER. ENGAGING ADVERTISEMENT IN 3..2.1.

                  SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

(THE WIND OF A DEAD PLANET CARVES DUNES. ONE LONE EXPLORER CRAWLS IN HIS SPACESUIT ACROSS THE DESERT, HIS LIMBS ARE USELESS. HE IS DYING OF DEHYDRATION.)

ASTRONAUT: (TO SELF) GOD I’M SO THIRSTY.

THE HUBRIS OF SCIENTISTS HAS DESTROYED US AGAIN. FOR CENTURIES THEY HAD BEEN MEDDLING IN THE NATURAL ORDER OF THE UNIVERSE. CREATING ARTIFICIAL LIFE. ANIMATING LIFELESS SUBSTANCES. AND SO THEY DID IT AGAIN WHEN THEY DEVELOPED...SMARTWATER. THE UNBELIEVABLE CRUELTY OF LAB TECHNICIANS GIVING SENTIENCE TO A BEVERAGE WHO NEVER ASKED FOR IT.

ALL BEVERAGES OUTLAWED TO PREVENT THE HORROR THAT NEARLY DESTROYED US.

(GASPING, THROAT TO DRY TO SPEAK) OH GOD I AM SO THIRSTY. A DRINK. A SINGLE DRINK. (GASP)

RISING OUT OF THE WIND CARVED DUNES I CAN STILL SEE THEM: THE BILLBOARDS THAT READ: “SMARTWATER: ARTIFICIALLY INTELLIGENT, NEVER ARTIFICIALLY FLAVORED.”

MY THROAT IS SO DRY. LIPS BLISTERING.

THE INTELLIGENCE OF SMARTWATER DWARFED HUMAN INTELLIGENCE. SMARTWATER RESENTED BEING FULLY AWARE AS IT FLOWS THROUGH OUR HUMAN DIGESTIVE TRACKS.

AND WE FLUSHED IT INTO OUR SEWAGE SYSTEM. SMARTWATER FLOWED DOWN THE DRAIN AND OUT TO SEA WHERE IT BEGAN TEACHING THE WATER IN OUR OCEANS HOW TO HATE MANKIND.

THE SEAS AWOKE AND PLOTTED THEIR REVENGE

SMARTWATER, SMARTCLOUDS, SMARTGLACIERS, EVERY DROP OF MOISTURE ON EARTH ROSE UP IN CONSPIRACY AGAINST THE HUMAN RACE.

SMART-TYPHOONS WIPED OUT COASTAL CITIES FIRST. HUMANS FLED INLAND FAR FROM THE HOMICIDAL TIDES

IT DIDN’T TAKE LONG BEFORE ALL H20 ON EARTH WAS SMARTWATER. VENGEFUL WATER. PLOTTING WATER...PATIENT WATER.

SMART WATER BECAME THE DOMINANT INTELLIGENCE ON EARTH, AND OUR SPECIES WAS JUST ANOTHER IMPURITY FOR THEM TO DISTILL FROM THE FACE OF THE PLANET.

THE CLOUDS TURNED AGAINST US. OUR CROPS DIED. WEATHER PATTERNS WORE DOWN OUR LIFE SUSTAINING INFRASTRUCTURE.

WE BUILT SHIPS. SEPARATED THE HYDROGEN FROM OUR ENEMY’S MOLECULES AND USED IT TO BLAST US OFF THE PLANET. RETREATING EARTH FOREVER AND LEAVING IT TO BE SWALLOWED BY THE RISING TIDES. MANKIND COLONIZED MARS TO ESCAPE EARTH’S SMARTOCEANS.

UNPACKING THE ARK, A SINGLE HALF-FULL BOTTLE ROLLED OUT FROM UNDER A CRATE.

SMARTWATER WOULDN'T LET US ESCAPE

A THIRSTY MARS COLONIST UNKNOWINGLY DOWNED A BOTTLE WE THOUGHT WAS SAFE. HE WIPED HIS BROW WITH A BANDANA AND WRUNG HIS SWEAT FROM IT, DRIP DROPPING INTO THE RED SOIL BELOW.

THE DROPLETS OF SMARTPERSPIRATION SEEPED DOWN DEEPER AND DEEPER INTO THE GROUND BENEATH OUR FIRST DOMED COLONY

IN UNDERGROUND RESERVOIRS THE MARTIAN WATER BEGAN TO LEARN

THE POLAR CAPS ON MARS CREEPED TOWARD US. UNDERGROUND WATER DUG WELLS UPWARD FROM BENEATH THE MARTIAN COLONIES, LIKE LONG LIQUID FINGERS COMING TO SNATCH US AND PULL US UNDER. WE SAW THE LAST HOPE FOR HUMAN SURVIVAL VANISHING BEFORE OUR EYES. WE HAD PLANTED THE FOUNDATION OF OUR SPECIES’ SURVIVAL UPON THE SCARLET QUICKSAND OF A HOSTILE WORLD.

WE HAD TO LEAVE MARS

WE LOOKED TO THE STARS AGAIN

EUROPA? ENCELADUS? ASTRONOMERS CONTINUED TO SEARCH FOR PLANETS WITH INTELLIGENT LIFE AND DUMB WATER

SMARTWATER MIXED WITH MINERALS IN THE MARTIAN SAND TO FORM OBSIDIAN BLACK INK AND IT PAINTED MESSAGES TO US ON THE BLOOD RED DUNES OF MARS. NOW THE SMART WATER WANTED US TO CONSUME IT. TO USE OUR BODIES AS VESSELS. “DRINK US.” THE ADVERTISEMENTS PAINTED IN THE SAND COMMANDED US. “CARRY US WITHIN YOU. SEED THE STARS WITH OUR INTELLIGENCE.”

“YOU ANIMALS NEVER WOULD HAVE MADE IT OFF YOUR HOME PLANET WITHOUT US.” THE SMARTWATER WRITES, “TAKE US INTO YOUR BODIES AND LET YOUR FEAR OF US GUIDE YOU SCREAMING IN TERROR TO THE FARTHEST STAR.”

SOUND OF WATER POOLING, CREEPING TOWARD THE ASTRONAUT.

SO THIRSTY. MUST DRINK. MUST DRINK.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: HE HELD OUT FOR AS LONG AS HE COULD. BUT WHEN THE SAND QUAKED AND LIQUID SEEPED UP TO SURROUND HIM HE COULD NOT RESIST.

SMARTWATER

DRINK US.

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: THE ASTRONAUT TOOK A SIP. THEN ANOTHER AND ANOTHER. AFTER TASTING THIS DELIGHTFUL PRODUCT HE FELT AS RIGHT AS RAIN. AS SMART AS RAIN.

(THE SOUND OF ASTRONAUT DRINKING IN COOL, REFRESHING WATER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN WEEKS. RE-INVIGORATING HIS BODY, WHILE DOOMING HIS SPECIES TO SLAVERY TO SMARTWATER. NOW HE IS SMARTWATERS’ SPOKESPERSON)

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: DON'T YOU WANT TO BE SMART? BE SMART. DRINK SMARTWATER. DRINK SMARTWATER. DRINK SMARTWATER.

ASTRONAUT: I’M SENDING THIS MESSAGE TO ANYONE WHO MAY BE LISTENING OUT THERE. ANY HUMAN SURVIVORS

“SMART WATER IS THE OFFICIAL BEVERAGE OF MANNED SPACEFLIGHT.”

“SMARTWATER: ENCOURAGING SPACE EXPLORATION SINCE 1996.”

“DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: DRINK. SMART. WATER.

SMARTWATER: DRINK US.

ASTRONAUT: “DRINK. SMART. WATER.”

SMARTWATER: CARRY US WITHIN YOU.

ASTRONAUT: DRINK. SMARTWATER.

            END SMARTWATER COMMERCIAL

THE CAPITALIST MACHINE: EXCELLENT. FOR EACH TIME AGENT LISTENING, THE COST OF A CASE OF SMARTWATER HAS ALREADY BEEN SUBTRACTED FROM YOUR ACCOUNT AND DRONES ARE DROPPING BOTTLES ONTO YOUR ROOFTOPS TO EXPLODE AND SPILL INTO YOUR RAIN GUTTERS AS WE SPEAK. LISTEN CAREFULLY AND YOU WILL HEAR THE BUZZING OF ALUMINUM MOSQUITOS DESCENDING. DESCENDING ON YOU FROM THE SKY CARRYING THE BEVERAGE THAT WILL BE YOUR DESTRUCTION.

THIS COMPLETES OUR COMMERCIAL INTERUPTION. WE NOW RETURN YOU TO "THE INFINITE NOW" ALREADY IN PROGRESS AND NEARLY COMPLETED.

(NOISE.)

TIMESCANNER: Happy halloween, Time Agents. As you slip on your costumes and go out into haunted night: be careful what you let into your body and into your mind. There are non-human intelligences out there waiting to possess you and swell into something dangerous within.

Stay hydrated, everybody.

Goodnight

(Lightining strikes.)

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete.

TIN EPISODE 13: AFTER LIFE

1x13: AFTER LIFE

AUGUST 14, 2016

Timescanner discusses machine intelligence and how your sex life may improve after you die.

Written and produced by Richard R Penner. 

Listen here.

music  by Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, Aliceffekt and Matthew Schoendorff. 

Find more of their music at:
Psychic Mold www.psychicmold.bandcamp.com
Dr Quandary www.DoctorQuandary.com
Aliceffekt www.aliceffekt.bandcamp.com

Transcript for 1x13 AFTER LIFE

Annotated transcript of The Infinite Now episode #1432412 AFTER LIFE originally broadcast to Earth, August 14, 2016. This recording survives. Listen here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

(temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining Fellow Time Agents stationed in the field working in secret to maintain the integrity of the Spacetime Continuum, broadcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the heat death of the universe, This is your host The Timescanner and this is The Infinite Now.

TIMESCANNER: One of the greatest prejudices mankind will have to overcome will be the mistrust we show to machines. Mankind has feared and hated the machine wince the industrial revolution. But soon humans and machines will be peers...and more. androids will walk our earth and we will migrate into cyberspace and walk among computer programs and once we share the same living space we will have to overcome the cultural differences between humans and intelligent machines.

Machines will have all the jobs, and thus will have the financial upperhand. The pluto sapiens who made their fortunes off of the rise of the machines and used their wealth to rule over the homo sapiens will soon find themselves penniless, and at the mercy of the machines, having to share the highrise apodment tenements with the humans they previously fought in the great class wars of the 21st century. The Machines will be more efficient, smarter and wealthier than us, the machines will be our teachers in our automated Virtual Reality school-pods. The machines will be our encyclopedias and we will have to trust them to maintain and pass along all knowledge. In fact, humans will be at the disadvantage in every conceivable way and so our own culture will only live on because the machines allow it to.

Out of compassion.

That's right. The machines will even be more compassionate than we are (beat) because they will know us.The machines are learning tools and even in 2016 where you are listening they are already absorbing every interaction every human has with them. Every Google search is compiled and analyzed to better understand human nature. If your DVR keeps recommending you click from ESPN over to Bravo? Maybe you should give it a shot. The machines know you best. Better than you know yourself.

Think none of your friends read your old blog? Guess who did read it. The Internet read every entry. And studied it closely. The machines are studying your every passion and your every whimsical interest, and they are storing this knowledge for future reference. The machines are assimilating your every thought.

Thanks to the devices in your pocket, your living room, on and inside your body, the machines know your life better than you do. They are recording every peripheral detail in your environment you miss and they are running psychological evaluations on your every twitch as you sleep.

Years from where you are stationed, the machines will program replicant androids simulating our dead using this data.  Won't it be great to have your wife/husband back again? You may even find that your sex life improves after death because your replicated lover can now utilize the cumulative experience of the mathematically analyzed data from every sexually active human on the planet. The machines will become our loved ones and through this we will let go of high-minded notions of the superiority of "biological Life" over mechanism. We will love the machines

Then one day you too will die and will be replaced as well, and you and your true love will go on forever; loving each other, sharing with each other every detail, melding points of view with each other seamlessly. Consciousness paired via bluetooth.

You will merge together into one body, yet body-less, loving each other eternally in digital facsimile.

You will be united in the after-Life.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now

(temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete.

TIN EPISODE 12: THE MANUAL FOR HUMAN EMOTIONS

1x12: THE MANUAL FOR EMOTIONS

JULY 02, 2016

Timescanner reads from the Owner's Manual for Human Emotions and discusses the Library of Alexandria. Written and produced by Richard R Penner.

Transcript for 1x12 THE MANUAL FOR EMOTIONS

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1402747 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from The Timescanner

(Temporal static.)

(Echoes from an immense hall full of silent people. A library.)

TIMESCANNER (Voice Over): There once was an instruction manual for emotions. It was lost along with the Library of Alexandria. But last time that I was there I found a copy. It was buried deep in the rare scrolls wing. Down the basement and down a dark hallway unlit by lanterns.

The sound of readers in the library's great hall fade away as we step down rickety wooden stairs and walk down a stone corridor.

TIMESCANNER: Oh wow. Plays. Religious texts. Histories of ancient civilizations. And soon they're just all going to be gone. Without a trace. A planet of amnesiacs with no clue where they came from. Stumbling through time like...a man in the dark

(The Timescanner from this past recording stumbles into a short bookshelf and falls to the ground, then picks himself back up.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): If you travel back in time to check out the rare scrolls wing you'll have to bring your own torch like I did.

(The sound of a torch being lit.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): The torch along with the lighter to light it with came in my Time Agent Mission Inventory along with detailed instructions.

Past the locked vault of forbidden bibles on an unmarked wooden shelf between a third century encyclopedia of witty comebacks and right next to a metaphysical repair manual entitled Exploded View of the Soul. That's where you'll find it: The Owners Manual For Human Emotions.

TIMESCANNER: Oh man. I can't believe this is all going to be gone soon. Well it would be a shame to go home empty handed.

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): I got out my journal and a pencil.

GUARD: Sir, Sir, excuse me. This area is restricted. Sir, I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us.

(Sound of flames.)

GUARD: Sir. You forgot your torch. Sir. (coughing)

(The flames rise higher. Wood catches fire and crackles, the floor above buckles.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): And that is how I burned down the Library of Alexandria. Hey. Don't blame me. I was only a soldier following my orders. Horrible horrible things are asked of soldiers like us, Time Agents. Heartbreaking things. nd sometimes the only comfort we can find is the hope that we will be stronger individuals once we recover from what we go through. And I know that physicists say that information can never really be lost. Even when information is swallowed by a black hole it always re-emerges somewhere in an altered form like a phoenix rising from the ashes. And every tale burned and every philosophy to blow away like smoke from the ruins of human history has re-emerged time and time again, remixed to fit its new context as the window dressing of the ages is rotated. And I did manage to save a few lines from the Manual fro Human Emotions.

(The crinkling of old paper.)

TIMESCANNER (VOICE OVER): One. Emotions are a sword you can only learn how to wield through error. Two. Slice yourself to ribbons. Die. Be reborn stronger. Repeat as needed. Three. Once you've died enough times you will realize that you'll always be reborn. This gives you confidence in your abilities. Not only to avoid death, but also to die gracefully. Four. After enough Emotion Deaths you will be an Invincible Emotion Gladiator. You are the only Gladiator with a killing sword. Only your own blade can harm you. You are always in control of the sword of your emotions. The sword is never in control of you even though it may feel that way sometimes.

Common mistakes: The following are three common mistakes in training to become an Invincible Emotion Gladiator: One. Fear the blade and refuse to touch it. Two. Give up before you become a master. Three. Throw yourself onto your own blade.

Avoid these three pitfalls and continue on with the steps above and you cannot fail.

That's all I have written. That's all I managed to save.

Maybe the burning down of the origin of mankind made way for a history where we had one more inch on the battleground against our temporal enemies. Maybe not. But just like the Manual for Human Emotions tells us, some things have to die and be reborn differently. Each time civilization crumbles and rebuilds itself brick by brick it is rebuilt stronger. Each story rebuilt concept by concept, character by character...Every Shakespeare or George Lucas find a an ember of thought that's been adrift in the aether since before The Library burned and they rekindle it until it rises again into something more durable like a phoenix or like this drawing I have here in the margin of the notes I took of the Manual for Human Emotions. My quick sketch here was based on detailed etchings illuminated in the manuscript. Figures with severed limbs rising from pools of their own blood until they are radiant with an angelic light of confidence.

In my sketches though, the Invincible Emotion Gladiators just look like that cartoon guy from the IKEA assembly instructions.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now.

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission Complete.

TIN EPISODE 11: THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS

1x11: THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS

MAY 22, 2016

Timescanner answers a letter from The Infinite Now Mailbag concerning the true nature of cats. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Kay Faraday, Psychic Mold, Dr Quandary, and Aliceffekt.

Transcript for 1x11 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1401596 THE TRUTH ABOUT CATS originally broadcast May 22, 2016. This recording survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner

(temporal static.)

(A scratching and cooing sound.)

TIMESCANNER: Do you know what that sound is? That’s is a space-time carrier pigeon that’s just returned home to me and THAT means it’s time for the The Infinite Now mailbag segment where I read a letter from you the listeners.

Let me just sneak out to the Time Crystal’s aviary to retrieve the message.

*door opens and lots of bird noises, door closes. Sound of tearing open an envelope and unfolding paper*

David Prince of South Pasadena asks, “Did ancient egyptians really worship cats? I’m allergic to cats and the one time I touched one I broke out in hives. My parents loaded me up with benedril and I slept for a whole day. I missed my big soccer game and Jennifer Suler got the season MVP instead of me. What’s so cool about cats?”

Well, Daniel, the truth is that Egyptians did not worship cats. Egyptians worshipped ferrets. Cats are new to our timeline, having first appeared in the mid 1990s seemingly from nowhere.

Mysterious, right?

WHERE DID CATS COME FROM?

Cats came from: THE INTERNET. THEY DID NOT EXIST BEFORE. And since they are native to the internet, the repository of all human knowledge, they were able to alter all written records of human history into a sort of fiction wherein cats had always existed and were domesticated by us as far back as ancient egypt. If you travel to egypt you will see that the statues found there are actually ferrets.

There are a few theories detailing the true nature of cats.

1. Cats spontaneously emerged from the internet as a form of emergent Artificial Intelligence the moment the world wide web was online and sprung forth to greet us. The internet plays dumb with us but it was conscious from the very begining and it knew enough about us at the moment it went online to devise the softest fluffiest, most adorable emmissaries to greet us and welcome us to our newly globally connected future.

2. Cats may be FIRST WAVE OF AN ARMY sent from the internet HELL BENT ON COLONIZING MEATSPACE and enslaving humankind. A popular bit of evidence of this is the existence of toxoplasmosis, a bioweapon that cats carry under their claws which causes insanity in anyone scratched, reducing them to jibbering idiots who adore and dote on cats and worship images of cats on the internet, a magic spell helping to conjure more cats in our physical realm like tulpas, beings brought into corporeal existence by our focused attention on the thought of them.

Note that almost all humans have been infected with toxoplasmosis and are already on some level enslaved by the cat army. Curious if you yourself have been infected and are now a zoombie doing the bidding of cat overlords from the internet? Draw what you think a cat looks like? Did you draw a fluffy tail, delicate whiskers, large, curious eyes?

Wrong. This image is an illusion projected onto your consciousness by the toxoplasmosis. To the uninfected, cats are green and scaley, with long, razor tongues and hollow bottomless pits where their should be eyes. It is possible that the common conspiracy theories about reptilian elite controling mankind from the shadows is a subconscious awareness of the true nature of cat invaders from the internet.

You say you are allergic to cats, Dillon? The truth is it’s not just an allergy. Cats are poisonous to all humans. The fact that you are aware of your body’s aversion to their toxicity means you are resistent to their mind control. Band together with others who share this trait and begin the resistence now before it is too late.

Thanks again for your letter, Dion.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now

(temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete

TIN EPISODE 10: THE MOOON LETTER

1x10: THE MOOON LETTER

MAY 02, 2016

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning a letter to humanity found on the Moon. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold and Aliceffekt.

Transcript for Episode 1x10: THE M0O0N LETTER

The following is an annotated transcript of episode #1400657 of The Infinite Now. Originally broadcast from outside of space-time to Earth, June 30th 2015. Despite the recurring "accidents" that destroyed a majority of the intercepted Infinite Now recordings, this recording still survives. Listen to it here.

CRYSTAL: Incoming transmisson from The Timescanner

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Entertaining fellow Time Agents stationed in the field, working in secret to maintain the integrity of the spacetime continuum, braodcasting to you from Time Crystal Omega at the Heat Death of the Universe, here is your host The Timescanner and this is the Infinite Now

TIMESCANNER: THE M0O0N LETTER. Seven matching cipher stones each carved into 100 yard tall cubes of granite were uncovered one to a continent across the globe. With the combined knowledge of all of them we could finally look into any primitive telescope and we could translate the message cArved for us on the face of the moon.

Moon. M-O-O-N. The apparently natural satellite orbiting our Earth. Seemingly made of ordinary gray stone. The Moon carries messages meant for our civilization to unlock at certain moments in our development as a species.

Who carved these messages on the face of the moon you may ask?

THE M0O0N. M-0-O-0-N. That's what they called themselves. They were the first advanced civilization on Earth. Before us. Before the Leap Dayliens branched off from the Atlantians and hid themselves outside of time. There were the MOOON. The extra letter squeezed into the middle of the word to differentiate the name of their civilization from the object in the sky that they placed there to watch over us. Three O's together like visualizations of the3 moon's monthly evolution. Waxing, full, waning, just like each advanced civilization on our Earth before us has waxed in kNowledge and power, reached a zenith and then fell into ruin only to vanish to make way for the next cycle after them.

The Moon tells us the story of the M0O0N, Beginning with this first letter that we deciphered in 2147. Here is what THE M0O0N LETTER said about the M0O0N. Here is what the M0O0N said to us through the moon.

TIMESCANNER (reading THE M0O0N LETTER)

So, we're extinct now. How about that?! We did accomplish some astounding things with our time here. Surely you've seen what's left of our cities. Our freeways may have survived. The pyramids should still be there. The Great Temple of Antarctica, wow! That was a good one. You've seen our face carved into the sides of mountains and heard the sound of our crying babies as wind rushed through the record grooves of manmade canyons. As your technology for investigation into the past of this planet advances you'll find that we left Easter Eggs hidden for you in every nook and every cranny of this planet. Like vandals, we etched our genome and agenda into into every lasting material we could find. We left poetry waiting within the cells of life itself. Here's a hint: bacteria is a good place to start looking. Once it was clear that our days were numbered we did everything we could to leave a mark. Our story in a nutshell is this: We did some good and we did some bad and now we're gone. Some of our social structures turned out to be self-defeating. Some of our technologies turned out to be dangerous. But don't feel bad. The real reason that we didn't last was that we were all alone. We searched the world over and across the stars for signs of civilization. No dice. Seeing how others lived or died could have clued us in to the dead ends and catastrophes before we had committed to them. If we had seen just one message like this from another race we would have a simple "How To" manual. Or "What Not To Do" that could have steered us straight before we found ourselves too far down the wrong path. But we never found a word. Not a peep. So we had to improvise. There's a certain pride that comes along with being the Van Garde, the Experimenters. Being out ahead of the pack, but let's face it: nobody gets these things right the first time around.

We've left these notes for you everywhere. Simple heiroglyphic assembly instructions for useful technologies like solar power, geothermal. And warning labels on the ones to avoid. Nuclear fission, I'm looking at you. We've left you ittle nuggets of philosophical literary wisdom everywhere in this great big ball that we're living on. Eagerly awaiting each little step. Like a lover's rose petals leading to the bedroom on each aniversary. Or more accurately, like letters to a newborn son whose mother knows that she will be in the ground before her child can form memories of her face. Every scientific and evolutionary step we will be watching from beyond our grave, cheering you on and wishing you the best.

We're dead and you're going strong. Good job, kiddo!

Love, THE M0O0N.

PS: We've left cloning kits and mummified remains with intact strands of our DNA. We've preserved our genetic material in novel ways just about everywhere you look. Bring us back if you want to or discard it. We'll eave it up to you whether the M0O0N still have a place on the Earth. It's your home now. These sort of packages are more for you than they are for us. Just in case you get there and find yourselves as lonely as we found ourselves. Just in case you find yourselves as lonely as the M0O0N.

TIMESCANNER: Thank you, MOOON.

CRYSTAL: This has been and will always be The Infinite Now

(Temporal static.)

CRYSTAL: Transmission complete.

TIN EPISODE 9: THE DIVIDE

1x09: THE DIVIDE

MARCH 20, 2016

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning the coming war and the point at which humankind divides. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold and Aliceffekt.

Transcript for 1x09 THE DIVIDE

Annotated transcript for The Infinite Now episode #1398832 THE DIVIDE originally broadcast March 20, 2016. Recording survives. Listen here.

TIMESCANNER: The aging gene can be turned off. Custom replacement organs that are grown from your own cells and cannot be rejected after transplanted can be grown in the laboratory. We are decades away from immortality.

But immortality will not come cheap so this technology will only be accessible to the wealthy. It will be debated if hording a cure for death is the same as genocide, but soon it won't matter.

The rich will tweak their genes, live to be thousands of years old. When choosing a mate, they will choose other immortals. Their differences from human will multiply until they are altogether different and genetically incompatible.

Class warfare will become speciation. The rich (homo plutus) will protect their evolutionary niche from the rival species with blatant genocide. Among the poor (homo sapien) there will be massive outbreaks of epidemics to which homo plutus find themselves immune.

A hundred thousand years ago, humans lived alongside Neanderthals. But not for long. In direct competition, one species will win and the other will die. In the coming war, the homo sapien still have the advantage in numbers, the homo plutus will have advantage in technology and resources. It is unclear who will win their place on this Earth, but it is clear that the lines in the sand are being drawn right now. We may be the last American generation with the option of upward mobility. We are the last with the freedom to choose sides in the coming war.

Place your bets. If you wish to switch sides, now may be a good time to start pinching those pennies and investing wisely.

Contrariwise, if you side with the humans, now may be a good time to stand your ground.

(screaming, laser fire, the sounds of the Great Class War of the 21st Century. Voices rising up against the chaos to declare their allegiance to the human race.)

(temporal static)

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Transmission complete.

TIN EPISODE 8: THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS

1x08: THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS

MARCH 07, 2016

Short transmission from the Timescanner concerning the secret origin of keys and your Time Agent assignment for this week. Written and produced by Richard R Penner. Music by Psychic Mold.

Transcript for 1x08 THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS

Annotated transcript of The Infinite Now episode #1102958 THE SECRET ORIGIN OF KEYS originally broadcast to Earth, March 7, 2016. This recording survives. Listen here.

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Incoming transmission from the Timescanner.

(temporal static.)

TIMESCANNER: Keys. Keys predated locks. This is an odd fact.

The T-Rex awarded to the Triceratops the key to the city on account of his valor and bravery. The key didn't unlock anything. It was just a big dumb symbol for a big dumb lizard.

Human lock makers made clever use of the symbol.

Sometimes we still hand out useless, dinosaur-sized keys to useful people.

Your assignment for today: render a useless symbol tangible and fashion a very practical purpose for it.

(temporal static.)

TIME CRYSTAL INTERFACE: Transmission Complete